If you didn't have the privilege of private school like I did, here is a synopsis of the earliest story in the Bible.
God created the earth. A bunch of animals, a bunch of trees, a bunch of fruit, a shitload of water. This took Him seven days, but it is hard to know what seven days was since there wasn't a sun or moon or watches. On the seventh day, He took a rest. By the eighth day, He was lonely, so He created Adam to pal around with. They were BFFs, and God taught Adam all about all the crazy fun stuff He had invented. He let him live for free in the Garden of Eden, and Adam never wanted to leave because he didn't know anything about anything outside of the garden. Cuz that's the way God wanted it. He told Adam that Adam could only learn from Him, and that there were these two trees in the center of the garden, but Adam couldn't touch them. One of the trees would give Adam eternal life, and he would never die. And Adam was like, "What's death, God?" And God was like "Don't worry about that." The other tree would give Adam knowledge. Not all-powerful instant know-everything knowledge, but enough to be able to figure things out on his own and not need God anymore. (And, PS, God totally lied to Adam when He said "Now, Adam, I don't mean to scare you, but if you eat off that Tree of Knowledge, you will die." Look it up, it's in the Bible. First chapter.)
After some time paling around with God, Adam knew everything God would let him know and got bored. Adam would say "Well, that's cool, but what is this thing between my legs for and why is it all blue?" And God was exasperated with this same question ALL the time and was like, "Well, I guess I will make something for that." So while Adam was sleeping one night, God crept in and took one of Adam's ribs right the fuck outta his chest. Like a mad sorcerer, or like God, he was spinning all kinds of dirt and magic dust and angel's hair and flowers and butterflies in a small hurricane around this one rib. First some slender ankles and cute little graceful feet started to form. Then some milky white skin and ticklish shins, and some sturdy but soft thighs. At first Eve had a really big cock. But God stepped back pinching his chin, and thought He would make a change. And then the greatest engineering: He thought, "Well this is simple, I'll just make this kind an inny."So He shrunk the cock, moved it up, and used a flower as the basis of the vagina. How pretty.
Then He made the hips match the thighs, the shoulders match the hips, and right at the end He sort of tripped and grabbed her chest to keep Himself upright. Hence, boobs were formed. He made her throat all sexy, and her jawline all small and cute, and then He gave her really big pretty eyes and pulled big eyelashes out of her eyelids. And that looked good, so he pulled her lips til they were big and pouty too. Not Angelina Jolie pouty...those are not of God.
And when He was done, Eve was standing there all sexy and gave God a wink and it was right then, right at that goddamned moment that God sort of was afraid of what He had done. This thing had a lot of power. I mean, it was just standing there naked without a single weapon and God was afraid. So He kind of just pushed her with a stick toward Adam as Adam slept innocently and said "Ok then. I guess, do whatever...oh wow, don't do that...well, ok."
And that was how Eve met Adam. And that was how Adam found his special purpose.
So after awhile, Eve gets bored just like Adam had. Only she didn't want a companion cuz she knew exactly what the thing between her legs was for. It was only for having fun. Cuz this was before God had any intention of women having kids. People always say that we are the only mammal who has sex for fun, but in the Bible (a pretty widely accepted piece of literature/history) Adam and Eve lived in that garden for a really long time without aging, without kids, and just having a really, really good time.
Adam was perfectly content. He had been made first, he had a bigger paycheck, he got to talk alone with God whenever he wanted, and God had made Adam his own personal bang slave. Things went on like this for awhile. Eve was kept in the dark, but she really didn't care too much because she didn't know what dark was. Adam didn't give a shit what was going on as long as he got to keep banging Eve.
So one day Eve wanders off and is walking through the garden. She was probably singing a song, or playing with her hair, or smacking her gum. She hears this slithery sound and giggles and stops to talk to Mr. Snake. Back then Adam and Eve had no fear of any creature, since they were all creatures of God and since they had no knowledge over what was good and what was evil. So the snake talks to Eve for awhile. Tells her she has a bangin body, and with some curlers she could get some real volume out of her long hair. He teaches her the duck face and tells her that she can control Adam, like, anytime with this face.
Then he says "So, do you wanna know more?" And of course she's like, "Um, totally." So the snake bites off an apple from the tree and offers it to her. She's like "Oh wait, snake, that's the tree God and Adam told me I can't have anything to do with." And snake is like "You know, if I were you, I'd be sick of this micromanaging God already. I mean, what has He done for you? He barely even talks to you, and yet He and Adam go off hunting and fishing and play poker every Thursday night. Where's your piece?"
She was like "Well, you do have a point. I suppose one little bite will just catch me up on everything Adam knows." So she took the apple from the snake with her little graceful hand and wrist, she lifted it to her supple red lips, and she took a big juicy bite. They don't tell you this in the Bible, but she had her first orgasm right there. Turns out, Adam was crap in bed. Completely neglected the clitoris and just bam bam bam while she laid there like a starfish.
Right after she climaxed, Adam walks up and she is like "Whoa Adam, you HAVE to try this apple." And of course Adam is totally square and doesn't want to fuck anything up or be any kind of homewrecker and he tells her no way. She is really insistent because she wants him to learn how to do to her what she just learned can be done to her. She bats her eyelashes, she rubs on her titties, she says he can do anything, ANYTHING to her if he will just take a bite of this apple. You see, this is because she now has the knowledge of how to get her way, like, all the time.
So, Adam bites the shit out of the apple. The snake hisses a laugh cuz he has messed up God's plan to keep two dodos around to worship Him. Now these two only people on earth have the free will to learn everything and decide if loving their master is a good idea or not. It's a good allegory for growing up and learning about the world, and gaining the wisdom to decide if your parents did a good job or not.
Anyway, God was super pissed. He made Adam and Eve feel like total, utter shit for disobeying Him after He had given them everything they ever needed. They suddenly became aware of their nakedness and made leafy clothing. Eve was so ashamed for being such a harlot. She didn't know what had come over her. The initial impact of what they had done was overwhelming, they freaked out and ran from God who banished them from the Garden of Eden. God was so pissed at them, He decreed that it was now Eve's job to make babies who would maybe be more obedient than these two had been...and oh yeah, it's gonna be REALLY painful and REALLY gross when this happens. In fact, these new people are going to make you miserable for the better part of a year, then rip their way out of that once pretty flower with no mercy, and it may kill you, but it's worth it if maybe, just maybe, these new people will be more grateful to Me that you have been.
And Adam and Eve did have a bunch of kids. But the first one of them murdered the other one. To be exact, and this is a rarely trumpeted fact, in Greek, Cain's name translates to "from the evil one." So, either from Eve and she is evil, or there is a theory that the serpent is Cain's father. Ew.
So here's the moral of this story: women are to blame for everything bad that has happened in this world because they learned how good a proper orgasm feels. God has kind of a bad temper. Adam was totally cool with just getting to bang Eve all day long. And serpents are the sexiest, smartest beasts on the planet. Apples taste really good. Orgasms feel really good. And I find it no coincidence that I have a raging case of ophidiophobia. Look it up.
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