The Temptation

So there's a big difference between wise and bitter. But I think they live on the same street.

About a month ago I was having sex, and it happened to rupture a cyst on my ovary. I didn't know what was wrong with me until yesterday when they did an ultrasound. I had been internally bleeding for weeks, running a high fever and going about my day as usual. I was a little faster to become agitated, but I blamed that on general unhappiness.

Now that I know that my body has been in terror and I've been mentally blocking it out, I feel a little better. The drugs they have me on have created a wealth of unfriendly side-effects. I can't have sex for at least 3 weeks. Believe me, with the pain I am in, sex is the least of my to-do list. In fact, the whole experience has left me wondering why I ever do it at all.

I am a very sexual being. I radiate sex and am constantly searching it out. I'm a girl. So naturally that makes me a slut. Oh well. Every where I go, everything I do, I am hoping to catch a glimpse of a guy I want to fuck. It doesn't mean I am going to do it; I just want the excitement of feeling my natural born preference of a mate.

Walking around today, for the first time ever removing completely that feeling of seeing any man as a potential mate was groundbreaking for me. I have never been physically incapable of having sex before. I have never been turned off to the idea of having sex before. Even bad sex, or guilty sex, or boring sex. I've never been as asexual as I was today.

I suddenly became aware of my looks, my smeary makeup and too-tight-in-an-unflattering-way shirt, but did not care. A couple guys tried to sort of flirt, but I ignored them like a school teacher. It was so trying an experience, that I became really agitated and ornery. I went to McDonald's cuz my figure doesn't matter anymore.

What am I without sex? What is there without sex?